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PODCAST EPISODES
What If You Were Created For Connection?
Therapist Jenn Jordan talks about how she often felt excluded and on the outside during childhood—“I felt so far from people all the time. I felt so far from myself. I was always over-thinking, never in my body.” As she grew into adulthood, Jenn became opposed to...
Role Reversal: When a Child Becomes a Parent
I am joined today by my friend Rebekah, who shares a story from when she was six years old. Topics covered include: feeling like there is something wrong with you but not knowing what it is, self-doubt about how you see reality, difficulty trusting your gut, learning...
How to Heal from Sorrow and Grief Part 5 with Mary Ellen Owen
Fellow therapist Mary Ellen Owen joins me today to share her journey with sorrow. Like many people with trauma, it took Mary Ellen years to find her tears, years to befriend her sorrow. Although she cognitively knew that grief was necessary for healing, something...
How to Heal from Sorrow and Grief Part 4 with Heather Stringer
I am joined today by Heather Stringer, who has lots of experience creating rituals that heal. Heather begins by describing two rituals: one focused on recovering from sexual assault and the second focused on preparing for a double mastectomy surgery. Heather and I...
Engaging Another Person’s Story: Why It’s Important and How To Do It
I am joined by Cathy Loerzel to talk about how to engage another person’s story. Effective story engagement is not a magical skill that some people have and some people don’t. It can be learned. Today we give a preview of some of the principles and tactics of...
How Your Story Affects Your Sexuality
Jay Stringer joins me to talk about the relationship between our current sexual difficulties and our story in our family of origin. Sexual struggles are rooted in our stories—and, very often, our stories of attachment to our primary caretakers. As Jay puts it, “When...
How to Heal from Sorrow and Grief Part 3
In order to heal from sorrow, we need to move our bodies as we participate in rituals of honoring and releasing our sorrow. A ritual is a sequence of bodily movements and symbolic actions performed with emotion and intention for the purpose of healing and...
How to Heal from Sorrow and Grief Part 2
This is part 2 in a series of episodes on how to engage our sorrow and grief in a way that brings healing. The focus today is on the four conditions needed to allow us to work with sorrow and grief. First, we need to own that our sorrows and griefs matter and should...
How to Heal from Sorrow and Grief Part 1
For most modern people, the place we find ourselves is in a land where grief and sorrow are unwelcome. Most of us do not feel like the people around us can bear the depth of our sorrow and grief. And since we don’t want to risk our sense of belonging—our sense of...
Engaging Your Family of Origin Story with Dan Allender
We have all experienced hurt, abandonment, or disappointment at the hands of our parents or caretakers, whether it was intentional or not. So much of our beauty and brokenness — so much of what makes us human — is tied to our family of origin. In today’s episode, Dan...
But Then Something Happened
I’m joined today by theologian and author Pete Enns, who also co-hosts a podcast called The Bible for Normal People. Although we talk about quantum physics at the end, the focus of our conversation is “What do you do when you experience something that calls into...
What Gets In The Way Of Healing? Four Obstacles
God created our hearts, minds, and bodies to heal. When the conditions are right, healing will occur. Therefore, it’s important to clear away the things that block the right conditions for healing. Today I discuss four of the most common obstacles to healing:...
128 When Bible Verses Are Used Against You (or, Is Your Heart Really Trustworthy?)
Last year I saw an Instagram post asking people to share stories of Bible verses that had been used against them. The comments section was devastating. I read story after story of how the Bible had been used to do immense harm. The verse that was most frequently...
Trauma, Fragmentation, and the Soothing Certainty of Dogmatism
Connections between brain regions lead to a healthy and stable brain (and a healthy and stable life). Trauma prevents these brain connections. This is known as fragmentation. In today’s episode, I explain how trauma leads to fragmentation in the brain and why...
When Neglect Is Not Really Neglect
Pascale Wright joins me today to share a very vulnerable story from her childhood. The temptation is to view her story as one of neglect… but it’s not. We cover a lot of ground today, including: Pascale’s ambivalence about longing for care from her therapist and being...
Spiritual Wounding: What It Is and How to Heal Part 2
Today’s episode looks more deeply at the spiritual abuse KJ Ramsey suffered at the hands of Christian leaders. We begin by talking about the relationship that many Christians have with their emotions. Drawing from her story of spiritual abuse, KJ talks about the pull...
Spiritual Wounding: What It Is and How to Heal Part 1
I am joined by KJ Ramsey to talk through her new book, “The Lord Is My Courage.” KJ explains why it’s so important to be honest and clear about the ways we have been harmed, and how our bodies often reveal truths about our trauma that our minds are afraid to speak out...
Is Hope Reasonable?
Many people with a history of trauma find themselves stuck. Stuck in a place of hopelessness about our own healing. It’s this sense of “nothing significant is really going to change for me.” The present ordering of your life—the way things are—claims to be the final...
A Pastor’s Journey of Exploring His Story and Addressing His Trauma
I’m joined today by Rich Villodas, pastor of New Life Church in New York City. Rich shares a story of trauma that happened when he was 12 years old. He then explains how that traumatic experience was reenacted 30 years later. We also cover how and why Rich decided to...
Why It’s So Important To Understand Your Story
Cathy Loerzel joins me to talk about why it’s so important to do the work to understand your story, particularly your family of origin story. In short, the three reasons are: understanding your story will allow you to experience healing, stop reenacting your past in...
How To Engage Someone’s Story Part 4
This is the final episode in a four-part series on how to engage another person’s story. We conclude by looking at the final seven tactics for effective story engagement. Tactic 6: Continually bring your dialogue with the storyteller back to the story they have...
How To Engage Someone’s Story Part 3
In Part 3 of this series on how to engage someone’s story, we look at five specific tactics you can use. Tactic 1: Explore the trauma before the trauma. Tactic 2: Explore triangulation. Tactic 3: Ask (good) provocative questions. Tactic 4: Invite the storyteller to be...
How To Engage Someone’s Story Part 2
This is part 2 of a series of episodes on how to engage another person’s story. Today, we look at principles 3-7 of effective story engagement. Principle 3: Use the exquisite instrument that is your body. Principle 4: Always be monitoring the storyteller’s affect....
How To Engage Someone’s Story Part 1
Engaging another person’s story is a skill that can be learned! Over the course of the next four episodes, I will explain how to engage another person’s story well. Today, I discuss the first two principles of effective story engagement. Principle 1: Attunement is...
Restorative Practices: How to Care for Our Hearts and Bodies in the Wake of Trauma
John Eldredge joins me today to talk about how to care for our hearts and bodies in the wake of trauma. Topics include how to navigate life when you feel deeply disappointed by God, how to access the mothering of God, and why it’s so important to get a piece of paper...
Why It’s So Important To Tell Your Story To An Attuned Listener
I am joined today by Christian neuroscientist Curt Thompson. In this vulnerable conversation, Curt and I talk about: why our brains change when we share our story with another human being who is attuned to us, why engaging your story is the single best way to become a...
Making Sense Of Your Story: Why It’s Necessary To Name Intentionality Part 2
This is part 2 of a discussion on the necessity of naming intentional harm. You can’t heal until your brain has constructed an accurate and coherent autobiographical narrative of your life. Today I introduce the idea of antisocial empathy, which is a very important...
Making Sense Of Your Story: Why It’s Necessary To Name Intentionality Part 1
Naming intentionality matters because if you are unsure about whether or not the other person meant to hurt you, it will be very difficult for you to heal from your wounds. This is because you can’t heal until your brain has constructed an accurate and coherent...
The Power of Compassion and Curiosity Toward Ourselves with Aundi Kolber
I am joined today by Aundi Kolber, the author of Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode — and into a Life of Connection and Joy. We discuss the importance of paying attention to what is happening inside your body, as well as...
Redeeming Heartache: How Goodness Can Come Out Of Trauma
Bonus episode! Cathy Loerzel and I dive into why it’s crucial to take your wounds seriously, and how your wounds lead to the “orphan experience,” “stranger experience,” and/or “widow experience.” We also talk about what redemption looks like for each of these three...
How Do You Move Through Past Trauma?
Jerry Sittser is the author of A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss. He is no stranger to trauma. Jerry and I cover the following topics in this episode: our tendency to try to muscle our way through pain; how adversity in our present life invites us to...
Anxiety: What It Is and How To Respond To It
Anxiety can be so debilitating. But what exactly is it? Why do we feel anxious? And how can we address it? Anxiety is what you feel when you are avoiding important unfelt emotions. And your anxiety is almost always related to some particular part of your...
Your Story and Your Sexuality
I am joined today by Jay Stringer to talk about the relationship between our current sexual difficulties and our attachment histories. At some point in our lives, each of us will encounter difficulties in our sexual life. It might be the compulsive use of unwanted...
Racial Trauma: What’s Going On? Part 2
This is part 2 of my interview with Wendell Moss about racial trauma. Today we continue to discuss the importance of naming what has been true of the past so that we might be free from it. We also begin to talk about what the path toward healing looks like, including...
Racial Trauma: What’s Going On? Part 1
I am joined today by Wendell Moss. Wendell is a therapist, an instructor at the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology, and part of The Allender Center teaching staff. We discuss a blog post Wendell wrote for The Allender Center called, “Racial Trauma: The Marks...
Complicity: Why Sexual Abuse Is So Damaging and What To Do About It
Complicity often haunts people with a history of trauma more than anything else. The essence of complicity is the sense that I volitionally participated in my own abuse. In today’s episode, I outline four ways in which we may feel complicit in our abuse, and then talk...
When The Church Harms You
Rebecca Wheeler Walston joins me today to talk about how she came to engage her story in more depth. She also shares a story of significant harm at the hands of fellow Christians. It is a story of harm from those in a position of spiritual authority. Rebecca and I...
How to Engage Another Person’s Story
I am joined by Cathy Loerzel to talk about how to engage another person’s story. Effective story engagement is not a magical skill that some people have and some people don’t. It can be learned. Today we give a preview of some of the principles and tactics of...
Talking To Your Children About Sex: The Practical Stuff
Bethany Robbins returns to identify the key points to cover when you talk to your children about sex, including the subject of pornography and the importance of naming the feeling of sexual arousal and blessing that feeling rather than communicating that sexual...
Talking To Your Children About Sex: Two Stories
I am joined today by Bethany Robbins to address the subject of talking to your children about sex. Bethany and I each share a story about how our parents talked to us about sex. It’s important to understand how your story is playing out in the way you talk to your...
No Cure For Being Human with Kate Bowler
I am joined today by author Kate Bowler to talk about her recently released book No Cure For Being Human. Topics covered: the very human desire to have a blueprint or formula for how to live life (and why this doesn’t work), coming undone by tragedy (such as a Stage...
Redeeming Heartache: How Past Suffering Reveals Our True Calling
Cathy Loerzel and Dan Allender join me today to talk about their newly published book Redeeming Heartache: How Past Suffering Reveals Our True Calling. Cathy and Dan reflect on what redemption actually means in the context of our stories, why they believe redemption...
Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 5
This is the final episode in the series on interacting with someone who has harmed you. Today we look at what it means to establish clear boundaries and put relational consequences in place when necessary. I also talk about what is involved in forgiveness and...
The Story Your Body Is Telling
Your body tells a story. The sensations in your body reveal something about what you have experienced, what you hold, and what you carry. Most of us are either unaware of the sensations in our bodies, or we ignore them, or we war against them. An alternative is to pay...
Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 4
Today’s focus is how to engage with, love, and honor a wicked person. Direct confrontation is not going to work. You need to be cunning, shrewd, and strategically disruptive. Think “surprise attacks of disruptive kindness” rather than direct confrontation. Dan...
Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 3
What does it mean to honor your father/mother when they have harmed you? What does it mean to love someone who has harmed you? Today’s episode looks at these two questions. Love always disrupts the status quo. In other words, when you engage with someone in a loving...
Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 2
This is part 2 of a series of episodes focused on how to interact with someone who has harmed you. Today’s episode identifies two additional attributes of wicked people—namely scapegoating and intellectual deviousness. If you confront a wicked person about their sin...
Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 1
Suppose you have come to realize some of the ways that your parents have harmed you over the years. What are you supposed to do now? How do you engage with a parent now that you’ve come to realize some of the ways they harmed you? This is the first of a four part...
Your Story, Your Suffering, and Kindness with Dan Allender
Dan Allender is the reason this podcast exists. His teaching forms the foundation of nearly every episode. Dan joins me today to talk about how to engage your story and how to engage your suffering. In many ways, this is a conversation about how Dan has experienced...
How Healing Happens: Revisiting the U Diagram
Jen Oyama Murphy and I reflect on the U Diagram of healing. The human heart heals by engaging one’s story. But how does cultural background factor into effective story engagement? Whether you are a person of color who is engaging your own story, or you are someone who...
The Cursing of the Body and Racial Trauma
Jen Oyama Murphy shares a story she wrote for The Allender Center called “My Eyes.” Evil often assaults us through the cursing of others. When a part of our body is cursed—especially during our growing up years—we tend to turn on ourselves. Wars with shame and...
Spiritual Abuse
This is a bonus episode on spiritual abuse. Rachael Clinton Chen provides an overview of the marks of spiritual abuse. She will be teaching a conference on spiritual abuse on Saturday, June 5. You can sign up here. Consider a Counseling Intensive in stunningly...
When Trust Is Violated
Friend and fellow therapist Cyndi Mesmer comes back on the podcast to share one of her stories. It’s a story of the exploitation of innocence and the violation of trust. We talk about Cyndi’s trauma response, how she has experienced healing, and how her posture toward...
How To Engage Your Story In A Way That Brings Healing
Cathy Loerzel joins me to talk about how to engage your family of origin story in a way that brings healing to your brain. We examine three byproducts of trauma (fragmentation, dissociation, and isolation), the importance of naming the intentionality of those who...
How Attachment Affects Your Relationship With God
Today’s episode begins with an explanation of attachment: what it is and why it’s so important. After recapping The Still Face Experiment, I talk about the two primary types of insecure attachment: avoidant attachment and ambivalent attachment. I then outline how your...
When Abuse Binds Your Heart To Another
Abuse often involves intensity. Whether it’s sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse—the nature of abuse is that there is an intensity between the two people involved. When a parent abuses a child, the intensity at play serves to bind their hearts together....
Parenting: How Your Story Is Affecting Your Relationship With Your Children Part 2
Here’s the bottom line with parenting: the past isn’t dead; it’s not even past. Your past experiences in life are profoundly influencing how you interact with, and parent, your children. Every parent knows what it’s like to lose it with their children. But what’s...
Understanding Your Sexual Story (Bonus Episode)
I am joined today by Jay Stringer to talk about the relationship between our current sexual difficulties and our attachment histories. At some point in our lives, each of us will encounter difficulties in our sexual life. It might be the compulsive use of unwanted...
Parenting: How Your Story Is Affecting Your Relationship With Your Children Part 1
Here’s the bottom line with parenting: the past isn’t dead; it’s not even past. Your past experiences in life are profoundly influencing how you interact with, and parent, your children. Every parent knows what it’s like to lose it with their children. But what’s...
How To Get Your Life Back with John Eldredge
Last year John Eldredge wrote an important book called Get Your Life Back. In today’s episode, John and I talk about my favorite parts of his book. In short, we talk about simple everyday practices that will help you get your life back. Why is this important? Because...
Relational Conflict: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Shut Down Part 2
This is Part 2 of a discussion about what happens to your nervous system in the midst of relational conflict. When your body scans your relational environment and detects anything that feels remotely threatening, it triggers your nervous system to do one of three...
Relational Conflict: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Shut Down Part 1
Your nervous system is constantly surveying your environment (think: relationships) to determine how safe and supported you feel. When your body scans the environment and detects anything that feels remotely threatening, it triggers your nervous system to do one of...
When Parents Open The Door For Sibling Abuse
My friend Bethany shares one of her stories about sibling abuse. And, as is the case with virtually all sibling abuse, there is so much more at play than an older sibling harming a younger sibling. Harm from siblings never happens in a vacuum. An environment is...
The Episode In Which I Share One Of My Stories
Today I share one of my stories. My guest is Rachael Clinton Chen, but she’s actually the host of the episode. As Rachael interviews me, I talk about how I began to engage my story, as well as what obstacles I have faced along the way. Then I read one of my stories...
Uncovering Intentionality: Did My Parents Really Mean To Harm Me? Part 2
This is Part 2 of my conversation with Cyndi Mesmer. As you begin to name the ways your parents harmed you, it is very common to think, “Okay, I’ll acknowledge that my Dad harmed me, but I don’t think he really meant to do it. I don’t think my Dad was trying to be...
Uncovering Intentionality: Did My Parents Really Mean To Harm Me? Part 1
Cyndi Mesmer and I tackle the question of, “Did the people who harmed me really mean to do it?” Answering this question is more important than you may realize. If you are unsure about the answer to this question—or if you are convinced that your parents didn’t mean to...
The Bible, Racial Injustice, and Individual Responsibility
Today I want to look at the Bible’s take on how Christians are called to respond when racial injustice is occurring in our land. I am not going to devote any time to making a case that America is an unjust society. If you believe that America is just and fair, I beg...
Racial Trauma and My Story with Racism
Today I talk about racial trauma, and, in particular, the racial trauma that African Americans experience. One central tenet of all story work is that in order for healing to occur there has to be an honest naming of what has been true. This is true in your individual...
Judging Others: Is It Okay To Judge Those Who Have Harmed Me?
One of the things that prevents people from engaging the ways they have been harmed is the simple objection, “Who am I to judge my parents?” The premise of the objection is simply, “It’s wrong for me to judge my parents. That’s God’s job, not my job.” In today’s...
What If I Don’t Remember Much Of My Childhood?
Many people look back on their growing up years and simply don’t remember very much. In today’s episode I offer some suggestions on what to do when you are having a difficult time remembering any of your stories. If you want a summary of today’s episode, you can click...
What Is Actually Happening When You Interact With Someone?
What is actually happening when two people interact—whether that’s two spouses, a therapist and a client, or two friends? What is actually happening in the brains of the two people who are interacting? Primarily, nonverbal messages are being communicated from one...
How Trauma Affects Your Voice
I am joined today by Susan Cunningham, a California-based therapist and spiritual director. Sue shares one of the most formative stories of her life. It’s a story about a first grade girl who decided to use her voice. Your voice is one of the parts of you that is most...
Family of Origin Trauma
Today we have the honor of hearing a story from Kellay Chapman. In the story, Kellay is ten years old and her brother is 15. Sometimes other family members take up so much emotional space in your home that there is no space left for your emotions. The result is that...
Your Story, Your Body, and Ritual
I am joined today by Heather Stringer, a therapist with The Counseling Collaborative. Not only does Heather take the body seriously when it comes to engaging trauma, she is also very skilled in designing rituals that facilitate healing. Today we talk about both our...
How Your Body Can Help Heal Your Trauma Part 2
This is part 2 of my interview with Jenny McGrath about the importance of paying attention to the sensations in our physical bodies when it comes to healing from trauma. Some of the ground we cover includes what can be done when you can’t feel the sensations in your...
How Your Body Can Help Heal Your Trauma
I’m joined today by Jenny McGrath, a therapist in Seattle who focuses on how trauma is stored in the body and how the body must be engaged in the healing of trauma. Jenny talks about how and why she began to take the body more seriously when it comes to healing....
Emotions in the Time of Coronavirus: Writing Your Own Psalm
What would it look like to begin writing—and praying—your own psalms? When we are feeling big feelings, it can be very healing to put words to those feelings and then to pour the feelings out in prayer. By writing and praying your own psalms, you can facilitate...
Emotions in the Time of Coronavirus: Praying the Psalms
This is an emotional time. We are all having big feelings. And when we are having big feelings, the place we need to find ourselves is… in the Psalms. Today I hope to open up the power of the book of Psalms for a moment such as this. And by the end of the episode, my...
When Suffering Lingers
I am joined today by KJ Ramsey. KJ has written an important book about suffering called This Too Shall Last. Sometimes suffering lasts… and where is God in this? How are we to live when the place we find ourselves is one of lingering suffering? KJ invites us to allow...
The Coronavirus Episode
Three main points. First, the coronavirus is spreading exponentially, not linearly. Second, as a result of the exponential spread—in the absence of aggressive action—the US healthcare system will become overwhelmed and this will affect everyone, including young,...
Warfare Part 9: Soul Ties
Season 3 concludes with the final episode on Warfare. I am joined again by Cathy Loerzel to talk about soul ties—what they are and how they are formed. In the previous episode we looked at how curses lead to agreements which lead to vows. Today, we look at how this...
Warfare Part 8: Curses, Agreements, and Vows
I am joined by Cathy Loerzel to talk about curses, agreements, and vows—what they are, how they come to be, and where to find them in our stories. Cathy articulates the difference between a curse, an agreement, and a vow. She also explains how it is the design of evil...
Healing From Trauma: Your Posture Toward Yourself
If you have experienced trauma, you likely have difficulty with the whole category of kindness… either receiving kindness from others or being kind to yourself, or likely both. When you are not doing well, what is your posture toward yourself? Are you willing to bring...
How To Know If You Have Experienced Trauma
Many people are unaware that they have a history of trauma. Trauma has a tendency to hide. But the symptoms don’t lie. If you have the symptoms of trauma, it is highly likely that you have a history of trauma—whether you can locate that trauma in your story or not....
Affect Regulation: How Mindfulness Can Help Integrate (Heal) Your Brain
Trauma impairs integration in the brain. When you experience trauma, the neural circuits in various regions of your brain do not make enough connections with one another. Here’s the good news: there is something you can do to promote integration in your brain. In the...
Warfare Part 7: The Modern Screwtape Letters
The title of this episode comes from a book by C.S. Lewis called The Screwtape Letters. The Screwtape Letters is a collection of letters written from a senior demon, named Screwtape, to his nephew Wormwood (a lower ranking demon). Screwtape’s goal is to advise...
Why Family Of Origin Triangulation Is Such A Big Deal
Triangulation occurs when Mom or Dad becomes emotionally closer to one of the children than to their spouse. Patria and I discuss the fallout of triangulation in the life of the family and the life of the "special" child. The triangulated daughter often becomes...
How Your Story Leads To Your Style Of Relating To Others
Becky shares how her relationship with her Mom led to a style of relating in which she became committed to “staying out of the way and becoming invisible.” Becky goes on to talk about the younger parts of ourselves that still long for our mothers and fathers, as well...
Hearing God in Conversation
I interview Sam Williamson, author of Hearing God In Conversation. Conversation is possible… even with God. Sam and I talk about what gets in the way of hearing from God, why we tend to have low expectations about hearing from God, and how to begin to learn to hear in...
Struggling with Sexuality Part 2: How Understanding Your Story Can (Surprisingly) Help
This is Part 2 of the episode about sexuality, lust, fantasy… and your story. Are you curious about how your story can help you understand your current sexual struggles? Jay Stringer presents a surprising—and deeply refreshing—approach to understanding your sexuality...
Struggling with Sexuality Part 1: How Understanding Your Story Can (Surprisingly) Help
This is the episode about sexuality, lust, fantasy… and your story. Are you curious about how your story can help you understand your current sexual struggles? Jay Stringer presents a surprising—and deeply refreshing—approach to understanding your sexuality in light...
You Need More Than God
I’m joined today by my friend and fellow therapist Sam Jolman to talk about the fact that we have been made to need more than God. We have been created to need other people. Deeply. However, our need for others can make us feel weak or “too needy.” How are we to...
Warfare Part 6: Breaking Agreements
In a previous episode, we looked at how we can make agreements with evil that bind us. Today I talk about how to break those agreements. I also share some thoughts about how to resist evil by addressing evil spirits that may be assaulting you. Jesus has given us the...
Warfare Part 5: Addressing Accusations
In Warfare Part 5, we look at how to wage war against the kingdom of darkness. Warfare move #1 is to pay attention to your life and question the voices, particularly the voices of accusation that you hear throughout your day. The first tactic in waging war is paying...
Warfare Part 4: Your Authority
When it comes to resisting the assaults of evil against your heart, the starting place is stepping into the authority that is yours. Jesus Christ has set you up to succeed in warfare with evil. However, it’s essential to get clear about the authority that Jesus has...
How Stories of Harm Lead to Agreements that Bind Us
We are in the middle of a series of episodes on warfare. Last time we talked about making agreements with evil… and how those agreements bind us. Today we are going to take a break from the series to hear Susan’s story. Part of my interview with Susan includes a...
Warfare Part 3: Agreements
We live in a world in which the kingdom of darkness wars against our hearts. It's important to understand the particular strategies that evil uses. Today we look at the second main tactic of evil—namely, to deceive you to make agreements with it. But what are...
Warfare Part 2: Accusation
In Warfare Part 1, we looked at the fact that The Place We Find Ourselves is living in the midst of a world at war. Today, in Part 2, we look at how, specifically, the kingdom of darkness wages war against your heart. What are evil’s goals, strategies, tactics? The...
Warfare Part 1: The Reality of a War Against Your Heart
You and I live in a world at war. It’s a war between light and darkness, between the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Evil. This is the place we find ourselves. In the episodes to follow we’ll look at how evil operates and how to fight back to win the war for your...
Love and War: Attachment and Intimate Relationships
Today’s episode focuses on how attachment styles play out in close relationships. I am joined by Rachel Blackston, who is a therapist in Orlando, Florida. Rachel begins today’s conversation by reading an essay about love and war in her marriage. It’s a beautiful and...
Engaging the Younger Parts of Your Heart
I am joined today by Scott Gibson who is a therapist in the Chicago area. Scott graciously shares a story about himself as an 11 year old boy. It’s a story about desire, about devastation, and especially about attachment. If you resonate with Scott’s words today, you...
The Process of Learning to Hear from God
For most of my Christian life, I didn’t know it was possible to hear from God. I was taught that God stopped talking after the Bible. I simply didn’t know that God talked to his children on a regular basis. And so I didn’t take time to listen. Not because I didn’t...
Covert Sexual Abuse: When Subtlety Equates to Severity
If your parents did not have a healthy marriage—a deep emotional connection—then it is likely that either you or your sibling has experienced some measure of subtle sexual abuse. Subtle sexual abuse wreaks havoc in your heart… but because of its subtlety, you can live...
How a Story from Kindergarten Can Change Your Brain for Decades
This is really two episodes in one. In the first half we talk about sexual abuse that doesn’t involve physical touch, also known as subtle sexual abuse or covert sexual abuse. In the second half, Sandy graciously reads a story from when she was in kindergarten. And as...
Narcissism
How do you know if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist? What might that relationship feel like? In today’s episode, I talk with Chuck DeGroat about the dynamics of narcissism. Chuck is a seminary professor and a therapist who has a book coming out about what...
Your Kingdom: The Purpose of Counseling
Many times clients have said to me, “What is the ultimate purpose of counseling anyway?” Their question is excellent because it grows out of their sense that healing alone is not enough. Deep down, we all intuitively know that we are made for more than healing and...
What It Means to Engage Your Story with Curiosity with Blaine Hogan
I met Blaine Hogan at a Recovery Week a decade ago. Blaine is an artist, creative director, and filmmaker. Our conversation covers sexual abuse, sexual addiction, and the importance of being curious when it comes to engaging your story. Blaine reads a story from his...
How Life Can Come From Death with Christy Bauman
In today’s episode, Christy Bauman and I talk candidly about the reality of wounds in this life. What does it mean to enter the wounded places in one another’s hearts? And can genuine goodness really come from places of death? Christy is a therapist, a professor, and...
Trauma and the Enneagram Part 2
Enneagram expert Beth McCord and I conclude our exploration of “How does your enneagram type influence the way you respond to trauma/abuse/harm?” Today’s episode looks at Types 2 through 7.Type Two – 0:30Type Three – 5:30Type Four – 12:40Type Five – 16:00Type Six –...
Trauma and the Enneagram Part 1
Enneagram expert Beth McCord and I begin to explore the question of “How might your Enneagram type influence the way you experience abuse or harm? And how might your Enneagram type influence the way you respond to abuse or harm?” Our conversation begins with a...
Forgiveness – What It Is
What is our calling with regard to forgiving those who have harmed us? If forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting, what does it require? How do I know if I’ve forgiven someone for harming me? These are some of the questions we explore in today's episode. The Bible’s...
Forgiveness – What It’s Not
Today Robyn and I begin a two part series on forgiveness. As Christians we are called to forgive those who harm us. But what does that actually mean? Next week, I’ll tackle that question, but today Robyn and I talk about what forgiveness is not. In particular, we...
God Made Our Brain To Need Others
In today’s episode I talk with KJ Ramsey about how her suffering has forced her to rely on other people for help. There are times when our suffering puts us on the floor—either literally or metaphorically. Today, KJ talks about the rather remarkable surprises that...
How Healing Happens Part 3
Often the place we find ourselves is a place of desert, of wilderness, of valley. Indeed these are places of death. And they are real and they are part of the process of healing. But they are not the last word. Today we look at what happens when you linger in death....
How Healing Happens Part 2
Last week we talked about Cathy Loerzel’s U-diagram and about the importance of engaging particular scenes of heartache and harm in order for healing to begin to take place for you. Today we continue our discussion of what the process of healing requires and what it...
How Healing Happens Part 1
In this week’s episode, we begin a three part series on the subject of healing. What is necessary for healing to begin to occur? In answering that question, we are going to look at an extremely helpful tool known as the U-diagram. The U-diagram was created and...
How to Engage a Parent Who Has Harmed You with Autumn
Autumn reads a story that is a beautiful illustration of what it can look like to engage a parent who has done harm. This story is from a very recent time in Autumn’s life when she found herself caring for her sick mother. For all of its redemptive beauty, there is...
Why the Practice of Awareness Heals Your Brain
In the near future, I am going to address how healing happens in the brain. But there is a prerequisite to healing, there is something that you have to be growing in if you are going to experience healing. And that something is awareness. Awareness means choosing to...
From Shattered to Whole with Laurie
Laurie tells us how and why she began to engage her story at a deeper level. She then shares a story from when she was 12 years old. It’s a story in which her sense of innocence, beauty, and hope were shattered in an instant. We talk about how she responded to the...
Affect Regulation: Why It’s Critical For Everyday Life
“Affect” refers to your moment by moment experience of your internal bodily sensations. Think of affect on a scale of 1-10, where 1 represents completely numb and shut down and 10 represents panic, rage, or terror. On this scale, 5-6 represents a slight feeling of...
The Path To Healing: Why It’s So Important To Find Kindness For The Younger You w/ Jason
Jason reflects on why he began engaging his story and what that process looked like for him. Jason began addressing his story as part of a story group... but (surprising twist) his father just happened to be a participant in that group! In today’s episode Jason talks...
Why Your Story Makes It Hard To Hope
Hope is flat out agonizing. Hope requires that you groan inwardly while, at the same time, waiting expectantly. The alternatives to hope are a deadening of desire and a growing cynicism about what you can really expect from life in this world. Indeed, most hope is...
What It Looks Like To Actually Grieve Your Wounds
In my second conversation with Andrew Bauman, we engage the whole question of “What does it mean to actually grieve?” If you enjoy my conversation with Andrew, you may want to either pickup a copy of his forthcoming book called Stumbling Toward Wholeness or spend 37...
Why Lament (Surprisingly) Leads to Life and Freedom
If you take your story and your wounds seriously, then sooner or later you will find yourself disoriented by tragedy and heartache. The invitation at this point is to lament. When was the last time you just poured out your feelings to God—before editing your words,...
Choosing Kindness: Engaging Stories of Shame w/ Andrew Bauman
One of the consequences of trauma is that we tend to do great harm to ourselves—and particularly to our bodies—after the trauma. Today, Andrew talks about the reality of self-contempt and the damage it does to our hearts. We discuss the necessity of honoring our...
How to Overcome the Shame of Sexual Abuse
In today’s episode, I talk to a fellow therapist named Scott. Scott leads groups for men who have a history of sexual abuse. Today, Scott talks about part of what it looked like for him to engage his own story of sexual abuse. In particular, we reflect on the...
Your Wounds and the Path to Healing
In today’s show we take a deeper look at how our hearts have been wounded and what the path to healing looks like. Guided by Isaiah 61, we see how our wounding is linked to the particular ways that we find ourselves enslaved. I conclude by reflecting on what is...
Why Trauma Makes It Hard to Trust Your Gut
One of the byproducts of trauma is that you lose a sense of being able to trust your body. You begin to distrust your gut knowledge of what is true because the people around you question your reality. In today’s episode, Janet explains how this has played out in her...
Implicit Memory: The Thing That’s Running Your Life
When it comes to how and why you react to things the way you do, nothing is more important than implicit memory. Do you ever feel intense emotion that you know is “more than the situation calls for”? Perhaps you think of these experiences as “over-reactions.” These...
The Trauma of Abandonment
Through counseling with Brent Curtis, Gary came to realize that there were several characters in his life story who had a profound influence on his heart and life. Gary tells a story that happened when he was 10 years old, and he explains how he made a commitment at...
Why Engaging Your Story Requires Anger at God
Sometimes, “the place we find ourselves” is a place of anger at God. Many Christians feel ashamed if they find themselves angry at God. But if you engage the heartache and pain of your story, there will inevitably be times where you are angry at God. Have you ever...
When Your Story Of Sexual Abuse Is Not Believed
In today’s episode, I have a very honest and vulnerable conversation with Robyn about sexual abuse. We talk candidly about how our bodies respond with arousal even when there is profound violation occurring. Robyn tells the story of confronting her family about the...
How Your Attachment Style Affects The Way You Relate To Other People
If you want to understand your relationships, understand your attachment style. In this episode, I explain the three types of insecure attachment and discuss how you can identify your own attachment style. There are three types of insecure attachment: avoidant...
When Your Femininity Is Assaulted
Born to a family longing for a boy, the war against her femininity began early. Tracy learned that attention with her father could be won by performing well in sports, dressing in boys’ clothings, and wearing her hair short. One day, in an effort to belong with other...
Attachment: What It Is and Why It Matters So Much
The way you attached to your primary caregiver shaped your brain more than anything else. Attachment refers to the manner in which you connect with others. It’s the emotional bond that you develop with the people you are closest to—the people who are there for you and...
The Trauma of Being Unprotected
Gary Wittevrongel began engaging his story in a deep way when he was in his 50’s. In this episode, Gary shares a story of being humiliated by his elementary school teacher with his Mom standing right next to him. It is a story of mockery, but far more a story of being...
The Trauma of School Shaming
Mandy talks about how and why she began to engage her story. And then she reads aloud a story from her own life. It's a story about being bullied in elementary school... a story that had a major impact on how she began to see herself and relate to those around her....
Why Your Family of Origin Impacts Your Life More Than Anything Else
Your story started with your relationship with your parents. Every child needs 6 things from his or her parents. In this episode, I discuss these “Big Six” needs. I also explain two kinds of relational styles that result from being either dismissed by your parents or...
Why Engaging Your Story Is The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Brain
You have a story. That story matters. The only way to experience significant shifts in your heart is by engaging your story. Your life experiences shape the very structure of your brain, and therefore profoundly influence how you are presently living your life. Your...
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