One of the byproducts of trauma is that you lose a sense of being able to trust your body. You begin to distrust your gut knowledge of what is true because the people around you question your reality. In today’s episode, Janet explains how this has played out in her life, past and present.
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8:50 Felt like an anomaly in her family of 7, didn’t belong. Committed to opening eyes to what was true.
13:25 As a young girl, they still had the power to silence me, and they did.
17:36 So desperately needed my father’s love, and at that moment I felt the very real fear of jeopardizing that with my own “foolish behavior.”
18:12 Willing to suffer much for the littlest bit of connection.
26:00 Essence of shame – expecting goodness and receiving contempt.
30:00 Cruelty was a difficult word to associate with my mom. In my eyes, she was a fragile woman we had to work really hard to protect and not expect too much of and feel sorry for. I began to engage with where she actively moved to put me in harm’s way.
30:45 What do you do with this? Decide that I’m the crazy one, don’t know if you can trust your own heart, your own knower, your own gut.
34:10 Transition to how a story like this (representative of other stories) can lead to ways of relating to other people that endure for decades and cost us a lot.
35:19 Endured contempt for some level of connection.
36:20 hated that little girl, hated how desperately she needed her daddy, took a long time to see the goodness of that desire for love.
38:50 we don’t consciously choose to reenact the core stories of our lives, but part of us chooses that in order to hopefully come up with a different result.
42:30 Core dilemmas of our growing up years become reenacted over and over in our adult lives; ultimately, that drama forces us to deal with God in very close quarters, if we let it.
43:54 God is committed to growing us up, making us more solid versions of ourselves.
For help with engaging your story in a group setting, consider the Allender Center’s Certificate Program.