The Place We Find Ourselves

Stephanie Duncan Smith joins me today to talk about her book, “Even After Everything: The Spiritual Practice of Knowing the Risks and Loving Anyway.” Topics covered include: Stephanie’s pregnancy losses, how she learned to think differently about...

Dr. Hillary McBride talks about her new book titled, Holy Hurt: Understanding Spiritual Trauma and the Process of Healing. Topics covered include: our deep human need to belong, the inherent goodness of your heart (despite what you may have been...

I am joined today by author Jay Stringer to talk about sexual stuckness/difficulties/struggles. Healthy sexuality is deeply tied to the degree to which we have made sense of our story in our family of origin. Sadly, so few of us have ever been...

Today’s episode is different. Dan Allender takes over the podcast to interview me about my new book titled, Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Topics covered include: how to respond when we fail those...

John Eldredge returns to the podcast to talk about his newest book titled, “Experience Jesus. Really.” Topics covered include: how to live as an ordinary mystic (someone who experiences the sweet presence of God on a regular basis), why you don’t...

I am joined today by my friend Gail Stucker who is a trauma-informed story coach. Gail generously shares a story about herself as an 8th grader. Topics we cover: taking your story seriously when you don’t believe you have any “capital T” trauma,...

You have a story and that story matters. Your story in your family of origin significantly affects the way you think, feel, and act in the world today. This is why Dan Allender says, “It is time to listen to your story.” What if healing begins by...

I am joined today by Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Steve Call to talk about the complexities of marriage relationships. Dan and Steve recently co-authored a book titled, “The Deep-Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight.” If you are...

I dive into a detailed explanation of avoidant and ambivalent attachment. I explain why and how a child develops each of these insecure attachment styles. I then outline how you are supposed to know in adulthood if you have an avoidant or...

The fundamental premise of story work is that your past story is affecting your present life. This is just as true for your collective story as it is for your individual story. Your present day to day life is deeply affected by the past story of...

Memory is the way in which a past experience affects how the mind will function in the present. There are two layers of memory: explicit and implicit. There are two key attributes of implicit memory that are critical to understand. First, implicit...

Triangulation occurs when a parent requires a child to function as an emotional adult by meeting the parent’s adult needs and wants. Were you required to give, give, give to your parent, or was your parent continually giving, giving, giving...

Sexuality is an emotionally charged topic. Period. But when you are talking about sexuality for people with a history of trauma, you are stepping into terrain where angels fear to tread. However, if God intends for you to experience overflowing...

I am joined today by therapist and friend Reid Zeller who shares a story about egging cars when he was 16. Behind every story is a backstory. The backstory includes the nature of the environment we grew up in. When religious or spiritual...

When you were a child, you were deeply dependent on your primary caretakers. This means that the development of your brain was contingent upon the level of care and kindness in your family environment. Today I identify the six things you needed...

If you have difficulty regulating your emotion, there is a reason for that! No one comes out of the womb with the ability to regulate their affect. The way you develop the neurobiological structures to regulate your own emotions is by having your...

This episode is for people who experience emotional pain but feel like “nothing that bad happened to me growing up. I had a pretty good childhood.” As it says in Jeremiah 6, it is very common to dress our wounds as though they are not serious. One...

When I began exploring my story, five objections kept coming up for me. These objections kept me stuck. In today’s episode, I respond to each of the five objections. Objection 1: I should focus on the present and the future, not "dwell on the...

My invitation to you today is simple: to take your story seriously. Engaging your story is the single most important thing you can do to experience healing. When I say "your story," I'm talking more about the individual scenes than the overarching...

In “As Long As You Need,” author J.S. Park writes that “Grief is not about letting go, but about letting in.” Letting in sorrow, letting in anger, and especially letting in other people who can be WITH us in our pain. This episode is about all...

I am joined today by author Jay Stringer to talk about sexual stuckness/difficulties/pain. Healthy sexuality is deeply tied to the degree to which we have made sense of our story in our family of origin. Sadly, so few of us have ever been asked to...

I am joined today by Dr. Hillary McBride to discuss excerpts from her new book titled, “Practices for Embodied Living.” Topics covered include: how to feel your feelings, being alive in your body (eroticism), and the story of your relationship to...

Pastor and counselor Mike Boland shares a story from when he was 15 years old. It’s a story about the interplay of longing for connection and, at the same time, dreading what will be required of him in return. We talk about grooming, and the war of...

The opposite of trauma is not "no trauma;" the opposite of trauma is connection. To be human is to be wounded. However, wounds heal naturally when the environment is right… and the right environment for healing is the empathic presence of another...

Today I focus on two important ways that your body tells you things. The first is through your affect. Whenever your affect becomes dysregulated, your body is letting you know valuable information about your present environment… and about your past...

You have a story and that story matters. Your story in your family of origin significantly affects the way you think, feel, and act in the world today. This is why Dan Allender says, “It is time to listen to your story.” What if healing begins by...

Your body knows things that your enskulled brain does not. Moreover, if you listen, your body will tell you important things—things that will help you heal. Your body is a truth teller. It is the trustworthy prophet from within. In today’s episode,...

Friend and fellow therapist Matthias Roberts joins me today to share a very vulnerable story involving triangulation with his mother. How does an adolescent boy answer his Mom’s questions about his homosexuality when Mom is disgusted by it? This is...

Therapist and fellow podcaster Vanessa Sadler shares a story from when she was 11 years old. As children, all of us needed to belong—to feel “a part of.” If we did not receive sufficient attunement from our primary caregivers, we likely experienced...

I am joined today by therapist Jenny McGrath who is passionate about helping people heal from the damage of purity culture. One byproduct of purity culture is a disconnection from your body and a distrust of your body. If you feel shame about your...

Matthias Roberts joins me today to talk about his book Holy Runaways: Rediscovering Faith After Being Burned By Religion. Topics covered include: why belonging is so crucial for each of us, how to trust when you’ve been betrayed by others so many...

We pick up with Curt sharing about Cora’s experience in a story group. Specifically, we talk about about why Cora’s intense bouts of panic were her body’s way of saying “something is wrong and needs care and attention.” We also talk about a woman...

Curt Thompson returns to the podcast to talk about how we heal from trauma. In short, trauma and emotional pain begin to heal when our stories are witnessed by an empathetic other. Curt shares a story from his newest book about a woman named Cora,...

Jimmy McGee and Rebecca Wheeler Walston join me to talk about how they came to understand the importance of trauma and story engagement. If you want to engage your story in more depth, the Impact Movement is hosting an online event called Hope and...

I am joined today by my friend Rebekah, who shares a story from when she was six years old. Topics covered include: feeling like there is something wrong with you but not knowing what it is, self-doubt about how you see reality, difficulty trusting...

Fellow therapist Mary Ellen Owen joins me today to share her journey with sorrow. Like many people with trauma, it took Mary Ellen years to find her tears, years to befriend her sorrow. Although she cognitively knew that grief was necessary for...

I am joined today by Heather Stringer, who has lots of experience creating rituals that heal. Heather begins by describing two rituals: one focused on recovering from sexual assault and the second focused on preparing for a double mastectomy...

I am joined by Cathy Loerzel to talk about how to engage another person’s story. Effective story engagement is not a magical skill that some people have and some people don’t. It can be learned. Today we give a preview of some of the principles and...

Jay Stringer joins me to talk about the relationship between our current sexual difficulties and our story in our family of origin. Sexual struggles are rooted in our stories—and, very often, our stories of attachment to our primary caretakers. As...

In order to heal from sorrow, we need to move our bodies as we participate in rituals of honoring and releasing our sorrow. A ritual is a sequence of bodily movements and symbolic actions performed with emotion and intention for the purpose of...

This is part 2 in a series of episodes on how to engage our sorrow and grief in a way that brings healing. The focus today is on the four conditions needed to allow us to work with sorrow and grief. First, we need to own that our sorrows and griefs...

For most modern people, the place we find ourselves is in a land where grief and sorrow are unwelcome. Most of us do not feel like the people around us can bear the depth of our sorrow and grief. And since we don’t want to risk our sense of...

We have all experienced hurt, abandonment, or disappointment at the hands of our parents or caretakers, whether it was intentional or not. So much of our beauty and brokenness — so much of what makes us human — is tied to our family of origin. In...

I’m joined today by theologian and author Pete Enns, who also co-hosts a podcast called The Bible for Normal People. Although we talk about quantum physics at the end, the focus of our conversation is “What do you do when you experience something...

God created our hearts, minds, and bodies to heal. When the conditions are right, healing will occur. Therefore, it’s important to clear away the things that block the right conditions for healing. Today I discuss four of the most common obstacles...

Last year I saw an Instagram post asking people to share stories of Bible verses that had been used against them. The comments section was devastating. I read story after story of how the Bible had been used to do immense harm. The verse that was...

Connections between brain regions lead to a healthy and stable brain (and a healthy and stable life). Trauma prevents these brain connections. This is known as fragmentation. In today’s episode, I explain how trauma leads to fragmentation in the...

Pascale Wright joins me today to share a very vulnerable story from her childhood. The temptation is to view her story as one of neglect… but it’s not. We cover a lot of ground today, including: Pascale’s ambivalence about longing for care from her...

Today’s episode looks more deeply at the spiritual abuse KJ Ramsey suffered at the hands of Christian leaders. We begin by talking about the relationship that many Christians have with their emotions. Drawing from her story of spiritual abuse, KJ...

I am joined by KJ Ramsey to talk through her new book, “The Lord Is My Courage.” KJ explains why it’s so important to be honest and clear about the ways we have been harmed, and how our bodies often reveal truths about our trauma that our minds are...

Many people with a history of trauma find themselves stuck. Stuck in a place of hopelessness about our own healing. It’s this sense of “nothing significant is really going to change for me.” The present ordering of your life—the way things...

I’m joined today by Rich Villodas, pastor of New Life Church in New York City. Rich shares a story of trauma that happened when he was 12 years old. He then explains how that traumatic experience was reenacted 30 years later. We also cover how and...

Cathy Loerzel joins me to talk about why it’s so important to do the work to understand your story, particularly your family of origin story. In short, the three reasons are: understanding your story will allow you to experience healing, stop...

This is the final episode in a four-part series on how to engage another person’s story. We conclude by looking at the final seven tactics for effective story engagement. Tactic 6: Continually bring your dialogue with the storyteller back to the...

In Part 3 of this series on how to engage someone’s story, we look at five specific tactics you can use. Tactic 1: Explore the trauma before the trauma. Tactic 2: Explore triangulation. Tactic 3: Ask (good) provocative questions. Tactic 4: Invite...

This is part 2 of a series of episodes on how to engage another person’s story. Today, we look at principles 3-7 of effective story engagement. Principle 3: Use the exquisite instrument that is your body. Principle 4: Always be monitoring the...

Engaging another person’s story is a skill that can be learned! Over the course of the next four episodes, I will explain how to engage another person’s story well. Today, I discuss the first two principles of effective story engagement. Principle...

John Eldredge joins me today to talk about how to care for our hearts and bodies in the wake of trauma. Topics include how to navigate life when you feel deeply disappointed by God, how to access the mothering of God, and why it’s so important to...

I am joined today by Christian neuroscientist Curt Thompson. In this vulnerable conversation, Curt and I talk about: why our brains change when we share our story with another human being who is attuned to us, why engaging your story is the single...

This is part 2 of a discussion on the necessity of naming intentional harm. You can’t heal until your brain has constructed an accurate and coherent autobiographical narrative of your life. Today I introduce the idea of antisocial empathy, which is...

Naming intentionality matters because if you are unsure about whether or not the other person meant to hurt you, it will be very difficult for you to heal from your wounds. This is because you can’t heal until your brain has constructed an accurate...

I am joined today by Aundi Kolber, the author of Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode — and into a Life of Connection and Joy. We discuss the importance of paying attention to what is happening inside...

Bonus episode! Cathy Loerzel and I dive into why it’s crucial to take your wounds seriously, and how your wounds lead to the “orphan experience,” “stranger experience,” and/or “widow experience.” We also talk about what redemption looks like for...

Jerry Sittser is the author of A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss. He is no stranger to trauma. Jerry and I cover the following topics in this episode: our tendency to try to muscle our way through pain; how adversity in our present...

Anxiety can be so debilitating. But what exactly is it? Why do we feel anxious? And how can we address it? Anxiety is what you feel when you are avoiding important unfelt emotions. And your anxiety is almost always related to some particular part...

I am joined today by Jay Stringer to talk about the relationship between our current sexual difficulties and our attachment histories. At some point in our lives, each of us will encounter difficulties in our sexual life. It might be the compulsive...

This is part 2 of my interview with Wendell Moss about racial trauma. Today we continue to discuss the importance of naming what has been true of the past so that we might be free from it. We also begin to talk about what the path toward healing...

I am joined today by Wendell Moss. Wendell is a therapist, an instructor at the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology, and part of The Allender Center teaching staff.  We discuss a blog post Wendell wrote for The Allender Center called, “Racial...

Complicity often haunts people with a history of trauma more than anything else. The essence of complicity is the sense that I volitionally participated in my own abuse. In today’s episode, I outline four ways in which we may feel complicit in our...

Rebecca Wheeler Walston joins me today to talk about how she came to engage her story in more depth. She also shares a story of significant harm at the hands of fellow Christians. It is a story of harm from those in a position of spiritual...

Bethany Robbins returns to identify the key points to cover when you talk to your children about sex, including the subject of pornography and the importance of naming the feeling of sexual arousal and blessing that feeling rather than...

I am joined today by Bethany Robbins to address the subject of talking to your children about sex. Bethany and I each share a story about how our parents talked to us about sex. It’s important to understand how your story is playing out in the way...

I am joined today by author Kate Bowler to talk about her recently released book No Cure For Being Human. Topics covered: the very human desire to have a blueprint or formula for how to live life (and why this doesn’t work), coming undone by...

Cathy Loerzel and Dan Allender join me today to talk about their newly published book Redeeming Heartache: How Past Suffering Reveals Our True Calling. Cathy and Dan reflect on what redemption actually means in the context of our stories, why they...

This is the final episode in the series on interacting with someone who has harmed you. Today we look at what it means to establish clear boundaries and put relational consequences in place when necessary. I also talk about what is involved in...

Your body tells a story. The sensations in your body reveal something about what you have experienced, what you hold, and what you carry. Most of us are either unaware of the sensations in our bodies, or we ignore them, or we war against them. An...

Today’s focus is how to engage with, love, and honor a wicked person. Direct confrontation is not going to work. You need to be cunning, shrewd, and strategically disruptive. Think “surprise attacks of disruptive kindness” rather than direct...

What does it mean to honor your father/mother when they have harmed you? What does it mean to love someone who has harmed you? Today’s episode looks at these two questions. Love always disrupts the status quo. In other words, when you engage with...

This is part 2 of a series of episodes focused on how to interact with someone who has harmed you. Today’s episode identifies two additional attributes of wicked people—namely scapegoating and intellectual deviousness. If you confront a wicked...

Suppose you have come to realize some of the ways that your parents have harmed you over the years. What are you supposed to do now? How do you engage with a parent now that you’ve come to realize some of the ways they harmed you? This is the first...

Dan Allender is the reason this podcast exists. His teaching forms the foundation of nearly every episode. Dan joins me today to talk about how to engage your story and how to engage your suffering. In many ways, this is a conversation about how...

Jen Oyama Murphy and I reflect on the U Diagram of healing. The human heart heals by engaging one’s story. But how does cultural background factor into effective story engagement? Whether you are a person of color who is engaging your own story, or...

Jen Oyama Murphy shares a story she wrote for The Allender Center called “My Eyes.” Evil often assaults us through the cursing of others. When a part of our body is cursed—especially during our growing up years—we tend to turn on ourselves. Wars...

This is a bonus episode on spiritual abuse. Rachael Clinton Chen provides an overview of the marks of spiritual abuse. She will be teaching a conference on spiritual abuse on Saturday, June 5. You can sign up here. 

Friend and fellow therapist Cyndi Mesmer comes back on the podcast to share one of her stories. It’s a story of the exploitation of innocence and the violation of trust. We talk about Cyndi’s trauma response, how she has experienced healing, and...

Cathy Loerzel joins me to talk about how to engage your family of origin story in a way that brings healing to your brain. We examine three byproducts of trauma (fragmentation, dissociation, and isolation), the importance of naming the...

Today’s episode begins with an explanation of attachment: what it is and why it’s so important. After recapping The Still Face Experiment, I talk about the two primary types of insecure attachment: avoidant attachment and ambivalent attachment. I...

Abuse often involves intensity. Whether it’s sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse—the nature of abuse is that there is an intensity between the two people involved. When a parent abuses a child, the intensity at play serves to bind their...

Here’s the bottom line with parenting: the past isn’t dead; it’s not even past. Your past experiences in life are profoundly influencing how you interact with, and parent, your children. Every parent knows what it’s like to lose it with their...

I am joined today by Jay Stringer to talk about the relationship between our current sexual difficulties and our attachment histories. At some point in our lives, each of us will encounter difficulties in our sexual life. It might be the compulsive...

Here’s the bottom line with parenting: the past isn’t dead; it’s not even past. Your past experiences in life are profoundly influencing how you interact with, and parent, your children. Every parent knows what it’s like to lose it with their...

Last year John Eldredge wrote an important book called Get Your Life Back. In today’s episode, John and I talk about my favorite parts of his book. In short, we talk about simple everyday practices that will help you get your life back. Why is this...

This is Part 2 of a discussion about what happens to your nervous system in the midst of relational conflict. When your body scans your relational environment and detects anything that feels remotely threatening, it triggers your nervous system to...

Your nervous system is constantly surveying your environment (think: relationships) to determine how safe and supported you feel. When your body scans the environment and detects anything that feels remotely threatening, it triggers your nervous...

My friend Bethany shares one of her stories about sibling abuse. And, as is the case with virtually all sibling abuse, there is so much more at play than an older sibling harming a younger sibling. Harm from siblings never happens in a vacuum. An...

Today I share one of my stories. My guest is Rachael Clinton Chen, but she’s actually the host of the episode. As Rachael interviews me, I talk about how I began to engage my story, as well as what obstacles I have faced along the way. Then I read...

This is Part 2 of my conversation with Cyndi Mesmer. As you begin to name the ways your parents harmed you, it is very common to think, “Okay, I’ll acknowledge that my Dad harmed me, but I don’t think he really meant to do it. I don’t think my Dad...

Cyndi Mesmer and I tackle the question of, “Did the people who harmed me really mean to do it?” Answering this question is more important than you may realize. If you are unsure about the answer to this question—or if you are convinced that your...

Today I want to look at the Bible’s take on how Christians are called to respond when racial injustice is occurring in our land. I am not going to devote any time to making a case that America is an unjust society. If you believe that America is...

Today I talk about racial trauma, and, in particular, the racial trauma that African Americans experience. One central tenet of all story work is that in order for healing to occur there has to be an honest naming of what has been true. This is...

One of the things that prevents people from engaging the ways they have been harmed is the simple objection, “Who am I to judge my parents?” The premise of the objection is simply, “It’s wrong for me to judge my parents. That’s God’s job, not my...

Many people look back on their growing up years and simply don’t remember very much. In today’s episode I offer some suggestions on what to do when you are having a difficult time remembering any of your stories. If you want a summary of today’s...

What is actually happening when two people interact—whether that’s two spouses, a therapist and a client, or two friends? What is actually happening in the brains of the two people who are interacting? Primarily, nonverbal messages are being...

I am joined today by Susan Cunningham, a California-based therapist and spiritual director. Sue shares one of the most formative stories of her life. It’s a story about a first grade girl who decided to use her voice. Your voice is one of the parts...

I am joined today by Heather Stringer, a therapist with The Counseling Collaborative. Not only does Heather take the body seriously when it comes to engaging trauma, she is also very skilled in designing rituals that facilitate healing. Today we...

This is part 2 of my interview with Jenny McGrath about the importance of paying attention to the sensations in our physical bodies when it comes to healing from trauma. Some of the ground we cover includes what can be done when you can’t feel the...

I’m joined today by Jenny McGrath, a therapist in Seattle who focuses on how trauma is stored in the body and how the body must be engaged in the healing of trauma. Jenny talks about how and why she began to take the body more seriously when it...

What would it look like to begin writing—and praying—your own psalms? When we are feeling big feelings, it can be very healing to put words to those feelings and then to pour the feelings out in prayer. By writing and praying your own psalms, you...

This is an emotional time. We are all having big feelings. And when we are having big feelings, the place we need to find ourselves is… in the Psalms. Today I hope to open up the power of the book of Psalms for a moment such as this. And by the end...

I am joined today by KJ Ramsey. KJ has written an important book about suffering called This Too Shall Last. Sometimes suffering lasts… and where is God in this? How are we to live when the place we find ourselves is one of lingering suffering? KJ...

Season 3 concludes with the final episode on Warfare. I am joined again by Cathy Loerzel to talk about soul ties—what they are and how they are formed. In the previous episode we looked at how curses lead to agreements which lead to vows. Today, we...

I am joined by Cathy Loerzel to talk about curses, agreements, and vows—what they are, how they come to be, and where to find them in our stories. Cathy articulates the difference between a curse, an agreement, and a vow. She also explains how it...

If you have experienced trauma, you likely have difficulty with the whole category of kindness… either receiving kindness from others or being kind to yourself, or likely both. When you are not doing well, what is your posture toward yourself? Are...

Many people are unaware that they have a history of trauma. Trauma has a tendency to hide. But the symptoms don’t lie. If you have the symptoms of trauma, it is highly likely that you have a history of trauma—whether you can locate that trauma in...

Trauma impairs integration in the brain. When you experience trauma, the neural circuits in various regions of your brain do not make enough connections with one another. Here’s the good news: there is something you can do to promote integration in...

The title of this episode comes from a book by C.S. Lewis called The Screwtape Letters. The Screwtape Letters is a collection of letters written from a senior demon, named Screwtape, to his nephew Wormwood (a lower ranking demon). Screwtape’s goal...

Triangulation occurs when Mom or Dad becomes emotionally closer to one of the children than to their spouse. Patria and I discuss the fallout of triangulation in the life of the family and the life of the "special" child. The triangulated daughter...

Becky shares how her relationship with her Mom led to a style of relating in which she became committed to “staying out of the way and becoming invisible.” Becky goes on to talk about the younger parts of ourselves that still long for our mothers...

I interview Sam Williamson, author of Hearing God In Conversation. Conversation is possible… even with God. Sam and I talk about what gets in the way of hearing from God, why we tend to have low expectations about hearing from God, and how to begin...

This is Part 2 of the episode about sexuality, lust, fantasy… and your story. Are you curious about how your story can help you understand your current sexual struggles? Jay Stringer presents a surprising—and deeply refreshing—approach to...

This is the episode about sexuality, lust, fantasy… and your story. Are you curious about how your story can help you understand your current sexual struggles? Jay Stringer presents a surprising—and deeply refreshing—approach to understanding your...

I’m joined today by my friend and fellow therapist Sam Jolman to talk about the fact that we have been made to need more than God. We have been created to need other people. Deeply. However, our need for others can make us feel weak or “too needy.”...

In a previous episode, we looked at how we can make agreements with evil that bind us. Today I talk about how to break those agreements. I also share some thoughts about how to resist evil by addressing evil spirits that may be assaulting you....

In Warfare Part 5, we look at how to wage war against the kingdom of darkness. Warfare move #1 is to pay attention to your life and question the voices, particularly the voices of accusation that you hear throughout your day. The first tactic in...

When it comes to resisting the assaults of evil against your heart, the starting place is stepping into the authority that is yours. Jesus Christ has set you up to succeed in warfare with evil. However, it’s essential to get clear about the...

We are in the middle of a series of episodes on warfare. Last time we talked about making agreements with evil… and how those agreements bind us. Today we are going to take a break from the series to hear Susan’s story. Part of my interview with...

We live in a world in which the kingdom of darkness wars against our hearts. It's important to understand the particular strategies that evil uses. Today we look at the second main tactic of evil—namely, to deceive you to make agreements with it....

In Warfare Part 1, we looked at the fact that The Place We Find Ourselves is living in the midst of a world at war. Today, in Part 2, we look at how, specifically, the kingdom of darkness wages war against your heart. What are evil’s goals,...

You and I live in a world at war. It’s a war between light and darkness, between the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Evil. This is the place we find ourselves. In the episodes to follow we’ll look at how evil operates and how to fight back to win...

Today’s episode focuses on how attachment styles play out in close relationships. I am joined by Rachel Blackston, who is a therapist in Orlando, Florida. Rachel begins today’s conversation by reading an essay about love and war in her marriage....

I am joined today by Scott Gibson who is a therapist in the Chicago area. Scott graciously shares a story about himself as an 11 year old boy. It’s a story about desire, about devastation, and especially about attachment. If you resonate with...

For most of my Christian life, I didn’t know it was possible to hear from God. I was taught that God stopped talking after the Bible. I simply didn’t know that God talked to his children on a regular basis. And so I didn’t take time to listen. Not...

If your parents did not have a healthy marriage—a deep emotional connection—then it is likely that either you or your sibling has experienced some measure of subtle sexual abuse. Subtle sexual abuse wreaks havoc in your heart… but because of its...

This is really two episodes in one. In the first half we talk about sexual abuse that doesn’t involve physical touch, also known as subtle sexual abuse or covert sexual abuse. In the second half, Sandy graciously reads a story from when she was in...

How do you know if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist? What might that relationship feel like? In today’s episode, I talk with Chuck DeGroat about the dynamics of narcissism. Chuck is a seminary professor and a therapist who has a book...

Many times clients have said to me, “What is the ultimate purpose of counseling anyway?” Their question is excellent because it grows out of their sense that healing alone is not enough. Deep down, we all intuitively know that we are made for more...

I met Blaine Hogan at a Recovery Week a decade ago. Blaine is an artist, creative director, and filmmaker. Our conversation covers sexual abuse, sexual addiction, and the importance of being curious when it comes to engaging your story. Blaine...

In today’s episode, Christy Bauman and I talk candidly about the reality of wounds in this life. What does it mean to enter the wounded places in one another’s hearts? And can genuine goodness really come from places of death? Christy is a...

Enneagram expert Beth McCord and I conclude our exploration of “How does your enneagram type influence the way you respond to trauma/abuse/harm?” Today’s episode looks at Types 2 through 7.Type Two – 0:30Type Three – 5:30Type Four – 12:40Type Five...

Enneagram expert Beth McCord and I begin to explore the question of “How might your Enneagram type influence the way you experience abuse or harm? And how might your Enneagram type influence the way you respond to abuse or harm?” Our conversation...

What is our calling with regard to forgiving those who have harmed us? If forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting, what does it require? How do I know if I’ve forgiven someone for harming me? These are some of the questions we explore in today's...

Today Robyn and I begin a two part series on forgiveness. As Christians we are called to forgive those who harm us. But what does that actually mean? Next week, I’ll tackle that question, but today Robyn and I talk about what forgiveness is not. In...

In today’s episode I talk with KJ Ramsey about how her suffering has forced her to rely on other people for help. There are times when our suffering puts us on the floor—either literally or metaphorically. Today, KJ talks about the rather...

Often the place we find ourselves is a place of desert, of wilderness, of valley. Indeed these are places of death. And they are real and they are part of the process of healing. But they are not the last word. Today we look at what happens when...

Last week we talked about Cathy Loerzel’s U-diagram and about the importance of engaging particular scenes of heartache and harm in order for healing to begin to take place for you. Today we continue our discussion of what the process of healing...

In this week’s episode, we begin a three part series on the subject of healing. What is necessary for healing to begin to occur? In answering that question, we are going to look at an extremely helpful tool known as the U-diagram. The U-diagram was...

Autumn reads a story that is a beautiful illustration of what it can look like to engage a parent who has done harm. This story is from a very recent time in Autumn’s life when she found herself caring for her sick mother. For all of its redemptive...

In the near future, I am going to address how healing happens in the brain. But there is a prerequisite to healing, there is something that you have to be growing in if you are going to experience healing. And that something is awareness. Awareness...

Laurie tells us how and why she began to engage her story at a deeper level. She then shares a story from when she was 12 years old. It’s a story in which her sense of innocence, beauty, and hope were shattered in an instant. We talk about how she...

“Affect” refers to your moment by moment experience of your internal bodily sensations. Think of affect on a scale of 1-10, where 1 represents completely numb and shut down and 10 represents panic, rage, or terror. On this scale, 5-6 represents a...

Jason reflects on why he began engaging his story and what that process looked like for him. Jason began addressing his story as part of a story group... but (surprising twist) his father just happened to be a participant in that group! In today’s...

Hope is flat out agonizing. Hope requires that you groan inwardly while, at the same time, waiting expectantly. The alternatives to hope are a deadening of desire and a growing cynicism about what you can really expect from life in this world....

In my second conversation with Andrew Bauman, we engage the whole question of “What does it mean to actually grieve?” If you enjoy my conversation with Andrew, you may want to either pickup a copy of his forthcoming book called Stumbling Toward...

If you take your story and your wounds seriously, then sooner or later you will find yourself disoriented by tragedy and heartache. The invitation at this point is to lament. When was the last time you just poured out your feelings to God—before...

One of the consequences of trauma is that we tend to do great harm to ourselves—and particularly to our bodies—after the trauma. Today, Andrew talks about the reality of self-contempt and the damage it does to our hearts. We discuss the necessity...

In today’s episode, I talk to a fellow therapist named Scott. Scott leads groups for men who have a history of sexual abuse. Today, Scott talks about part of what it looked like for him to engage his own story of sexual abuse. In particular, we...

In today’s show we take a deeper look at how our hearts have been wounded and what the path to healing looks like. Guided by Isaiah 61, we see how our wounding is linked to the particular ways that we find ourselves enslaved. I conclude by...

One of the byproducts of trauma is that you lose a sense of being able to trust your body. You begin to distrust your gut knowledge of what is true because the people around you question your reality. In today’s episode, Janet explains how this has...

When it comes to how and why you react to things the way you do, nothing is more important than implicit memory. Do you ever feel intense emotion that you know is “more than the situation calls for”? Perhaps you think of these experiences as...

Through counseling with Brent Curtis, Gary came to realize that there were several characters in his life story who had a profound influence on his heart and life. Gary tells a story that happened when he was 10 years old, and he explains how he...

Sometimes, “the place we find ourselves” is a place of anger at God. Many Christians feel ashamed if they find themselves angry at God. But if you engage the heartache and pain of your story, there will inevitably be times where you are angry at...

In today’s episode, I have a very honest and vulnerable conversation with Robyn about sexual abuse. We talk candidly about how our bodies respond with arousal even when there is profound violation occurring. Robyn tells the story of confronting her...

If you want to understand your relationships, understand your attachment style. In this episode, I explain the three types of insecure attachment and discuss how you can identify your own attachment style. There are three types of insecure...

Born to a family longing for a boy, the war against her femininity began early. Tracy learned that attention with her father could be won by performing well in sports, dressing in boys’ clothings, and wearing her hair short. One day, in an effort...

The way you attached to your primary caregiver shaped your brain more than anything else. Attachment refers to the manner in which you connect with others. It’s the emotional bond that you develop with the people you are closest to—the people who...

Gary Wittevrongel began engaging his story in a deep way when he was in his 50’s. In this episode, Gary shares a story of being humiliated by his elementary school teacher with his Mom standing right next to him. It is a story of mockery, but far...

Mandy talks about how and why she began to engage her story. And then she reads aloud a story from her own life. It's a story about being bullied in elementary school... a story that had a major impact on how she began to see herself and relate to...

Your story started with your relationship with your parents. Every child needs 6 things from his or her parents. In this episode, I discuss these “Big Six” needs. I also explain two kinds of relational styles that result from being either dismissed...

You have a story. That story matters. The only way to experience significant shifts in your heart is by engaging your story. Your life experiences shape the very structure of your brain, and therefore profoundly influence how you are presently...